Question:
-If more couples considered monogamy optional, would divorce and cheating be less common, and unmarried cohabitation less attractive?
-What if it were compulsory to write a personalized marriage contract with your spouse, tailored to your own circumstances?
Replacing today’s default marriage vows with compulsory personal contracts would create the space for two adults to seriously and soberly sit down and decide what it is that they want from married life.
In response to the question 'If more couples considered monogamy optional, would divorce and cheating be less common?" The plain and simple answer as I see it, complicated. There is nothing simple in relationships.
We all have to make a conscious decision to make it work, to compromise, and to be honest with our spouses and ourselves. I think in general if couples choose to make a shift from a monogamous relationship to an open one the number of divorces will remain the same. Those couples that during their monogamous part of their marriage were not honest with each other will continue to deceive themselves. They will just be shagging someone else openly.
I have found in my experience as a closet bi-sexual, by not telling my significant other about my sexuality and hoping that I could just keep it under wraps, even from my self, was destructive. I wasn't able to share a part of my life with a woman I loved. I cheated, numerous times; it was not because I didn’t love her. But she didn’t have what I wanted sometimes. In the end I broke up with her, never telling her the truth. I still am crushed by my actions and decision years later.
I don't know if Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers were being facetious or not about their personalized marriage contract, but the idea has some warrant. Not as a means to restrict each partner in a marriage but rather as a means of open discussion and learning.
I attended a private Lutheran University and was shocked at the numbers of both men and women attending school for their 'Mr. and Mrs. Degrees'. These were smart students who were using college like a dating site. Most were pushing to get married in a hurry, for the purpose of sex. It was their belief that sex before marriage was a sin.
I have a close friend who married her husband at 20 years old her sophomore year. The divorce was finalized 6 months later to the day.
When I asked what the biggest cause of the divorce was she replied simply that 'We wanted different things.' I assumed she had just meant the things like number of kids, who's parents they were going to live near, not her next words. As she leaned in close lowering her voice she said
'Would you believe he wanted to stick it in my butt!?' I of course hid my laughter.
I wonder though, how many couples would stay together with their current partner if all the cards were on the table, honestly. Not just about sexual stuff but the rest too.
We as a society have a tendency to be afraid to be honest, to open up about our fantasies. Now a contract isn't the right way. For one why fill out a survey when you can talk with your spouse, you might learn something.
Also keep in mind people change, they evolve and adapt. Their interests change. As a couple, just starting out or if married for ages, if you don’t keep the lines of communication open then you will grow apart. Who knows maybe you both might just like it in the butt.
-Tracci
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